What is the thing we try to avoid at all costs but is absolutely inevitable? For many of us, failure is falling down a lonely, dark hole, not knowing if you’ll ever find your way back up into the sun. Most of the reasons a flop feels so dangerous is we believe it defines us to our core. Failure means we are irresponsible, clueless and worthless or that we forever lack the needed drive, skills and abilities to be okay in the world.
In a commencement speech, spiritual teacher Pema Chödrön talked about how to fail well. First, be with the pain. From there, release the tendency to make it mean anything but the conditions present this one time. In other words, drop the story about how a failure reflects your character. Instead realize whenever making an attempt to create something, we become exposed. It is this vulnerability that cracks us open to witness our own bravery, expanding our capability. If I want to be more social, I need to risk indifference and reach out. If I want to be more present for the people in my life, I’ve got to practice. If I want to be a powerful communicator, I need to hear feedback.
Brené Brown, a leading researcher in the realms of vulnerability and shame, talks about the universality of the struggle around failure, including how much we try to hide it as we think it detracts from “who we are supposed to be”. But it’s a trap, because setting yourself up with an expectation of never making a mistake invites in “anxiety as a lifestyle”, which bluntly put, is a hellish way to live, robbing us of good sleep, self-love and inner peace.
But where would you begin to shift negative thinking about failure?
1. Bring in the realization: Anyone who you have failed in front of, has also failed. If they are good at what they do now, there’s an excellent chance they became well acquainted with their own fiascoes and washouts along the way.
2. Catch the well-worn thinking traps that amplify feeling like a sh#t for misstepping into a muddle. You’ll recognize them by the judgmental labels your mind will try to attach to you and the catastrophic scenarios that arise in your imagination. You are not your mistakes.
3. Fabulousness is in inextricably connected to failure. Gone with the Wind was rejected 38 times before being published. Several American record companies passed on signing a band known as the Beatles. Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times in comparison to his 714 home runs. And we all know Steve Jobs was first fired from his own company before coming back and orchestrating the iconic success behind Apple. Think of something you mastered that at one point, was nothing but a source of struggle. What got you to where you are now?
4. When faced with a failure consider how a lack of success could make your endeavor stronger in the end. Ask what did you learn from the attempt not working that was hidden at the onset. Make changes and allow something even better to emerge.
